i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
You Might Also Like
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away