I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
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[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.