I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
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If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.