I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
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Don’t talk down to me
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay