I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
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When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
You had me at “define legal”.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Weighing up my bread heating options
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal