I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
You Might Also Like
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
That lamp looks PISSED.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.