I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
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[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”