I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
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me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.