@Swishergirl24

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

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@LeftOf_Normal

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

@pro_worrier_

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

@_wangwe

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

@HomeProbably

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

@rcromwell4

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

@SirEviscerate

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

@DanMentos

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

@merylnyc

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

@OctopusCaveman

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

@samalmightysam

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.