I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
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Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
decorating my apartment
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.