I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

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If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.


It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.


“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken


I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.


Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.


RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.


“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”


#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay


always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”


Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.