I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
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Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
79.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
prepare for carbonated trouble
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.