I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*


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Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.


I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move


My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.


To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice


If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.


As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”


After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.


You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.


If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.


Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time