I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
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ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey