I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
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Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.