I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
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(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Make new friends? bro out of what?
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician