i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
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Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.