I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
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Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”