I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
You Might Also Like
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD