i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
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[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.