I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
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girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
For the ones in the back.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.