I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
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All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I need to get some bricks…
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks