@tastefactory BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
@justincousson “I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
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@tastefactory 
@itsdhruvism This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
@BlindChow Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
@FullGrownChris Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
@1Happytwit If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
@donni It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
@crouton_futon “Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
@colleen_eileen My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
@UnFitz DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
@sweetmomissa Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here