“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
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Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?