“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

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BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir


This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.


Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*


Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”


If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.


It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house


“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”


My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often


DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!


Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here