I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
You Might Also Like
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell