I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
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They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
mechanics be like
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe