I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
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me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.