I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
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FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
this is funnier than any friends episode
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words