I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
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The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
shit just got real
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.