I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
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If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
PER MY LAST EMAIL
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”