I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
You Might Also Like
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR