I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
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6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
honestly, i need both:
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.