Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

The Punning Dead.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…