I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
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*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.