I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
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Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.