I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
You Might Also Like
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
where the womens at?
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats