I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
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I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Venn
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct