I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
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Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?