I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
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If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I hope this email finds you in a well
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?