I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
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Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
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The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular