I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
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If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.