I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
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God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.