I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
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Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
an airline just for babies.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
The three genders.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
LOL
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Get in loser we’re going crying
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”