I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
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when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Not my job 😂
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.