I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
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Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.