I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
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Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Twitter remains undefeated
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.