I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
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Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym