I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
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We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”