I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
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In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.