@TheCiscoKidder

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

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@junejuly12

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

@miss_foofoo

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

@chino_lol

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

@internetluke

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

@ElizaBayne

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

@1Happytwit

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

@citizenkawala

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

@DudeImShawn

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.