I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
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Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”