I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
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She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
They got Raph!
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.