Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

I wish all tests were things you peed on

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!

everyone else: [cleans]

me: not like that

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.