Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed