I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
You Might Also Like
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My sex drive has a dui
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.