I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
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Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
not for long
Me trying to look natural in photos
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.