I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

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“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same


I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.


When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.


The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.


BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.


#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris


“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”


Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.