I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
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Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.