@bwebster76

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

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@catmarstru

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

@TacoTits

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

@Cpin42

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

@batkaren

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

@rachelle_mandik

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

@Scimommy

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

@Tommytoughstuff

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

@junejuly12

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.