I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
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Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.