I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

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I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day


BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time


*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*


I want to look hot on tinder.


The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”


Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first


*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!


“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”



(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.


Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish