@chestrovert I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
@OBiiieeee BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
@TheRolo *Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
@CruisinSoozan The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
@LostFelicia Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
@laabruzzi *bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
@AngelaEhh Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
@UncleDuke1969 “Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
@squirrel74wkgn (Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
@PJTLynch Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
@GensPlace