I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
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him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming